I want you to close your eyes and pic- wait, hold on, open your eyes. That’s my bad. If your eyes are closed, you won’t be able to read what I’m saying. With your eyes open, I want you to picture Chris Hemsworth, the Australian actor/hunk who portrays Thor in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Chris Hemsworth has brown hair often disguised by blond highlights, sky blue eyes and outdoorsy-white skin. He has large sculpted muscles with approximately 10-12% body fat and is 6’ 3”. Now, picture the article’s author- black hair, dark brown eyes, inconsistently 5’ 6”, slim-ish body type, warm-skin toned with a round face. What do these equally sexually-appealing individuals have in common? We both have the same fitness team.
In February 2019, Chris Hemsworth decided to share his personal team of health experts through the launch of Centr, with the goal of helping others reach their untapped potential. Then, in January 2021, after eating three donuts in one day and running out of breath walking to his car, author Isaac Hermosillo decided to purchase a year’s subscription to the Centr app.
The Centr fitness application (available for IOS, Android, and online) provides workouts, recipes, and daily articles covering various health topics. Designed as a one-stop shop, this app provides everything you need, based on your needs, to improve yourself physically and mentally. To set up your account, you must select your fitness goal, workout difficulty and type of meal plan. Centr will then develop a weekly schedule with meals, a workout, and an article about health for each day of the week. In addition, you are able to swap out any workouts or recipes as needed and can explore the countless options of workouts that are easily searchable.
Centr boasts a support team of fitness instructors, chefs, and wellness experts to help you become healthier. I found the coached workouts to be more invigorating than the self-guided ones, which are comparable to the majority of workouts on a similar fitness app, Aaptiv. The recipes are enhanced with a virtual grocery list. The meal plans are all gluten-free, and range from vegan to omnivorous (which the app designates as “Regular”), making them accessible to those with any dietary restrictions. The tools and advice section of the daily planner consistently provides you with compelling information regarding various aspects of health. However, it is the part I tend to skip the most. Overall, the app really does simplify the fitness process and does most of the heavy lifting for you.
Armed with Centr’s professional team of personal trainers, I started my fitness journey. I was aimless, lost, following along with workouts and making healthy recipes without a goal in mind. Then, a lightning bolt from the Norse god struck me: I could make like Thanos and defeat Thor. Foolishly, the oldest Hemsworth brother has given me everything I need to build myself up to the same physical level as him. With the following advantages, I will finally defeat Chris Hemsworth.
- No Kids, No Problem
Chris Hemsworth has fathered three beautiful children with his lovely wife, Elsa Pataky. Unfortunately, he has spelled his own doom. Everybody knows children make you weak, which is why I don’t have any. Newton states that when two equal and opposing masses meet, they will stay in place. However, when one of those masses is also a father, the childless shall prevail (Newton’s lesser-known Fourth Law Of Motion).
- Easy To Imitate = Easy to Beat
In December of 2020, the only real way I could stay in constant communication with my older brothers was to play the obscure indie videogame known as Fortnite. Unfortunately, we suck at the game and always lose to 12-year-olds and streamers with blue hair. In an attempt to better my gaming skills, I joined a random squads match and was assigned random players from around the world to my team. One of these teammates used a microphone, and I could hear their voice through the telly (television). A young British woman spoke, asking if anyone had a snipe (sniper). Knocking over everything in my path, I grabbed a pair of headphones, plugged them in, and answered her call for help… in an Australian accent.
I still don’t know why I chose to do that. I speculate my theatre kid instincts got the best of me. I played with this British lass for four months and even played a couple of games with her younger brother and sister. It was a family affair. Together, the British and faux-Australian won countless games. Eventually, I ended the charade by saying I moved to America and immediately began speaking mid-sentence in my native American accent. It was ripper (that means “awesome” for those who aren’t fake Australians). Everybody knows that the easier it is to perform an impression of somebody, the easier it is to beat them. Thus is the reason all Americans can do British accents and why we won the American Revolution. Since I proved myself to be an excellent imposter by duping an entire family of Brits into thinking that I am Australian, it is clear I will beat Chris Hemsworth.
- Commitment Issues
Chris Hemsworth is a global superstar with modeling and acting contracts as well as a full-time father and husband. I, on the other hand, have an aversion to responsibilities and an allergy to duties. Time, anonymity, and his ignorance of my plans ensure that he will never know what hit him when I hit him. With my ample free time, I will be able to dedicate myself completely to my singular goal: to defeat Chris Hemsworth.
Picture this: Chris Hemsworth returns home after a long day of filming the latest Thor installment. Taking off his blonde extensions and putting his hammer down, he begins to unlace his shoes when he feels the air above him shift. Looking up, he sees me, looking down, real Batman-like. Too slow to run away (since he has kids) and unable to overpower me physically (since the Centr app allowed me to match his physique), he must close his eyes and accept defeat.
First, I will perform an impression of him, which will be easy after listening to his Calm meditation series in which he guided me to sleep. Then, I will reveal that I have no children. My previous plan was to have Maury come in and say, “He is not the father!” 1000 times in a row, but since that show got canceled recently, I may need a different plan. Lastly, I will read him this article out loud, and he will regret not being an avid reader of BurntX, his biggest mistake. Count your days, Thor; the anti-thunder is coming.
(Unless, Chris Hemsworth, if you are reading this, this was all a joke, it’s satire, you’re fine, man. I really loved you in Bad Times At El Royale, and I can’t wait for Extraction 2. Also, my mom is a big fan of yours.)