Everything wrong with your tinder profile

It’s that special time of year again: plastic roses are in full bloom next to the cashier and a whole aisle at our campus CVS is littered with teddy bears and “be mine” candies, all in boisterous red and pink hues. Valentine’s Day lies right around the corner and for those of us not already in a relationship, the holiday goes by quite unnoticed – or so we’d like to think. Leading up to the date many of us singles are subconsciously thinking of how nice a relationship would be. Looking to shoot our shot, we download a dating app and begin the vigorous mindless swiping marathon. (Because who has the sheer gall to talk to someone in real life nowadays?)

I’m not saying that finding love on a dating app is impossible, it is just very difficult to do – especially when flipping through dozens of terrible profiles. Let’s face it, when making a profile none of us actually know what we’re doing, least of all straight boys. Sorry to pick on you my good heterosexual males, but I have seen some reoccurring trends that need to be stopped. (The straights are once again in dire straits) According to a report by Time Magazine, men swipe right on Tinder 46 percent of the time and women only swipe right 14 percent of the time. So according to my calculations, y’all need all the help you can get. Here is a guide to dating profiles if you’re actually looking to go on a date:

1.Bios are NOT optional

All right, so I recognize that dating apps are also used for a myriad of reasons other than seriously dating, but for those of you actually looking to find a relationship a bio is a MUST! Who are you? What do you like? Give us a conversation starter so we actually know we have something in common rather than diving in with a bland “hey.”

2.Dogs

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When I first downloaded Tinder I had no idea what to expect, but I certainty did not expect to see so many cute pets. I think I have seen more pictures of dogs than I have of actual human beings on a dating app. Of course I am not advocating that you get rid of your pet pics because let’s face it, having a cute pet really does boost interest, but don’t let your pet be the first image we see. I am sure your doggo is the goodest of all the good boi’s, but we are trying to determine if YOU are the good boi.

3.Get RID of those prom dates and ex girlfriends

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 I think it’s awesome that you can prove that you have the social skills to acquire a girlfriend/date, but please don’t have your arm wrapped around some anonymous girl from your past in every single photo. If you’re looking to date someone, you want the focus to be on you in your profile instead of redirecting everyone’s attention to the questions of “who is she?” and “was it recent?” A clever way to skirt around this is to block em’ out and have that classic “this could be you” caption. Overused, but still entertaining nonetheless.

4.The Party Pics

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Having an active social life is a great quality to flex in your profile and it can also let you match with people who have a similar taste for partying. However, if you are clinging to a liquor bottle, suspicious red solo cups, and fat cigars in EVERY single one of your photos, I am going to assume that you’ve got some problems.

5.The Group Pics

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Like the classic party photo, group photos are also a great way to express that you do indeed have a social life, but make sure that your profile isn’t a game of “Where’s Waldo?” Have more photos of just yourself rather than a group.

6.Smile

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Okay, so I know a lot of you Tinder boys like to hit em’ with that Flynn Rider smolder (I’m not complaining) but if you are not smiling in at least one photo, I can’t trust that you actually have teeth.

7.BEWARE of the HAIR

We see a guy who catches our eye. We swiftly tap for more photos. Oh yes he has a camera: he’s artsy. *scrolls to next photo * He’s looking off into the distance: he’s thoughtful. He’s…THE PRINGLES MAN?!

If you go through multiple phases of facial hair or dramatic hairstyles in general, let a girl know which one is the most recent, thanks.

8.Pixelated images

While life may be like a box of chocolates where you never know what you’re going to get, I bet a lot of us would really like to know what to expect when going on a date. Do the bare minimum and make sure that your face is actually visible!

9.Ditch the sunglasses

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So fun fact: sunglasses make your face more symmetrical and therefore more attractive, but that doesn’t mean that you should be wearing them in every single photo. You’re not a superhero; so don’t mask your identity.

10.Stop writing that you’re a feminist

I’m so glad that you believe women should have equal rights, but that should be the standard for all decent human beings – not your selling point.

11.The “Um…is that your baby?” photo

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Usually if I see a guy getting along with small children my ovaries do a backflip, but in the case of a dating profile it would be nice to know whether or not THAT particular baby is yours.

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