Allow me to set the scene: Friday Night. You’re at a party, you don’t normally go to parties, but your roommate played “We Are Young” by Fun. and the lyrics really got to you. Music is playing, liquids are flowing, and you definitely should’ve stayed in. Across the room, a young man clocks you. He is dressed like a golf player who golfs with the club upside-down. Or maybe a hip grandma. Straightening his sweater vest and making sure his tapered pants show his white socks and his hairless legs, he awkwardly dances across the room to where you’re standing. Lights are bouncing off his non-prescription glasses as he asks over the music: “What’s your name?” You answer. An innocent question emerges over the party playlist made in 2012: “Do you like movies?”
Three days later. A text message with no name assigned ruins your day: “hey! It was really fun meeting you at the party, lol. I can’t believe you haven’t watched Stanley Kubrik’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, based on a book that’s so crazy, we should watch it this Friday!
It has happened. The end you always feared. You gave your phone number to a Film-bro. Fear no more, for here are the five things you need to do immediately:
- Don’t Go To Any Movie Theaters for 38 Days
Are you planning on seeing the new Batman movie starring the zany but lovable hottie, Robert Pattinson? I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a bit. Film-bros will be all over this new movie, and they will burn through their parent’s hard-earned money going to any showtimes they can. Don’t assume you can get away with going at an obscure time, because I guarantee you, when you least expect it, they’ll be there…watching.. the movie… Since, like, they are there to see the movie, like they’ll be watching it, because it’s a movie theater and that’s what you do, anyways.
- Avoid Agreeing To Any Netflix & Chill
Film-bros often use their access to multiple streaming services and illegal websites as bait to attract potential lovers. Of course, the worst mistake you can make is agreeing to a movie date. Some of the best excuses are: “I can’t watch movies or TV shows right now, I accidentally watched Euphoria Season 2, and I can’t get over how bad the show was that I’m boycotting all TV until they fix it” or “I would love to watch TV with you; however, I recently fell into a pool of acid, eyes first, and honestly, you’re being ableist by suggesting a date that I can’t even enjoy.” Or, the most effective response of all: “ew”.
- Couldn’t Avoid A Movie Date? Don’t Ask Any Questions!
Too nice to turn it down, or maybe you’re thinking being able to finally watch Ted Lasso on Apple TV is worth it? I got you covered. There are two main contrasting things you can do to prevent yourself from ending up as the subject of the film-bro’s student film later. 1. Don’t ask any questions. Film majors have an encyclopedic knowledge of films and will answer any questions. They become more powerful every time they’re able to tell you something you didn’t know because you were busy having a life. 2. Confuse, deny, lie. Follow the playbook of Republicans who are on trial for doing something bad. A counter to item 1, this method relies on your ability to pretend you know absolutely nothing at all. Confuse names, ask questions six times in a row, say: “Streaming really is the future; movie theaters are old and gross” to instantly defuse any situation.
- Overcome Your Fears Of Confrontation and Communicate Effectively
This guide was written for those too polite or awkward to turn down a guy they’re not interested in. You must ask yourself: “Why do you find it so difficult to express how you feel?” In the age of ghosting and leaving on read, it’s never been easier to ignore or leave. You don’t owe anybody anything. However, if you were in their situation, wouldn’t you prefer honest and direct communication that clarifies your needs and feelings? Something to think about.
- Pray
The only option left is to save yourself. Send up a prayer to God, or one of the other ones; anyone would work honestly. Hands together, knees bent, eyes closed. Recite the following prayer: “Dear God, Vishnu, Shiva, Allah, Zeus, Confucius, Buddha, Harry, or that guy upstairs who screams ‘I am a god!’ every night at 2 A.M. . I humbly ask for your forgiveness, I don’t know what I did to deserve a pretentious little boy with no self-awareness or grasp on reality to be able to contact me. Forgive me. In turn, I only ask one thing: Let me go to a K-Pop concert and get recognized by one of the band members who can’t take their eyes off of me since I wore that super cool eyeliner that was kinda too expensive. Still, it’s worth it since I just got asked on-stage and will now marry a K-Pop star. Do not let me end up with this film-bro. Amen.”
This path is yours, and yours alone to walk it. I can only guide you to eternal bliss, and I cannot take you there. I wish you the best of luck and always remember: A24 is a skateboarding brand.