The first time a man mentioned “friends with benefits” to me, I agreed instantly. I had no idea what I was agreeing to, but it was a label nonetheless. It seemed like a degree of commitment and that felt good. I was wanted by a man — but it only lasted a couple weeks. Then, I was single again.
This pattern continued to happen in future relationships, whether explicitly stated or not. Friends with benefits or “situationships” seemed to have a permanent spot in my life, which was never my plan. It would usually go one of three ways; in the first scenario, he would start by taking me on a fancy date, but once he met my friends and we started hanging out socially, he would lose all intentions of a serious relationship. In the second scenario, we would start hooking up and then he would ask me if we could be friends with benefits to take it to the next step. Even worse, in the third scenario, we would have the “benefits” coupled with dates and exclusivity but he would label the relationship as “casual” — even though it didn’t feel very casual to me.
What were these casual relationships, and why couldn’t I escape them? There were no defined rules and they all seemed to fall apart at the two-week mark after I had spent days racking my brain trying to figure out where I stood and what was wanted from me.
My personal experiences seemed to mirror those of my peers. It made me wonder…how should we go about navigating these “situationships,” or “friends with benefits,” partnerships – and how do we make it out alive?
Amber Kinui, professor of the “Rhetoric of Dating Apps” course at the University of Texas, said these two labels can take a mental toll on people, leaving many feeling confused and isolated in their partnerships.
“On one hand, you have the emotional and physical intimacy of a partner, but on the other hand, you’re not really laying that relationship under official terms,” Kinui said. “It’s very confusing [and] kind of triggering for some as well.”
Though some, including Kinui, use these two labels interchangeably, others note some key differences.
Gina Cherelus, writer of “Third Wheel,” the New York Times’ weekly dating column, explained that she thinks friends with benefits comes from a mutual agreement to keep the relationship casual. However, in a situationship, one person is usually okay with a casual relationship without labels, while the other might want something more and is holding out hope that their partner will come around.
The attraction toward these labels could come from a variety of sources. René Dailey, professor of “Communication and Personal Relationships” at UT, and author of “On-again, Off-again Relationships: Navigating (In)Stability in Romantic Relationships,” explained that desires to establish a friends with benefits dynamic could come from wanting to fulfill physical desires, keep the relationship simple, maintain a sense of security around sex by having fewer partners, or a combination of these.
“Relationship simplicity” seems to be the most recent trend.
“It seems like nowadays, it’s a lot easier for people to kind of subvert and escape accountability,” Kinui said. “It’s almost like asking for too much if you want to define a relationship somehow.”
Young adults can see this commitment avoidance in other parts of their lives as well.
“For my generation, it was you got one job and you just stayed in that job. Now you could change positions every couple of years and that’s very, very common and almost encouraged,” Dailey said. “So I think it’s almost the same thing with dating– until you find the person that you really want to commit to long term, you’re just trying a bunch of different types of relationships.”
Dailey said research shows that friends with benefits can be healthy if executed correctly, however it is common for one person to want something more serious in the relationship. This person may be more willing to make sacrifices and compromise to appease the other.
Similarly, Cherelus said people in situationships often struggle to find validation and support because their friends and family want them to be in a relationship where both parties are equally committed. This stigma and shame around situationships can leave them unchecked, leading to power imbalances.
Kinui explained that since casual relationships have such stigma surrounding them, it can be hard to validate your feelings and feel empowered to ask for changes, or even leave.
“I think it can be very painful for that person to reckon with,” Kinui said. “‘Okay, should I continue for the sake of routine and for comfort and to appease the other person? Or am I equipped enough to walk away from this and seek out more for myself?’”
Dailey explained that communication about the rules in these casual relationships has improved as they have become less taboo in the modern day, but even so, the “what are we” conversation still seems to haunt young adults.
“People (are) much less likely to talk about the nature of the relationship than the communication or the sex,” said Dailey. “If one partner wants more, they don’t necessarily want to say that, because if they say that, and the other person doesn’t feel the same way, they risk losing the friendship. So I think those are more thorny kinds of areas to talk about than just, ‘when can we have sex?’”
When avoiding these conversations about the nature of the relationship, it can be easy to allow assumptions to take control. Cherelus said that asking for clarity when you need it and not being afraid of rejection are key to maintaining healthy boundaries in casual partnerships, especially if what your partner wants doesn’t align with your wants and needs.
“I don’t think it’s helpful to look into the implications of what people are trying to say if they decide they no longer want to date,” Cherelus said. “ If what they are asking isn’t what you want, then it doesn’t do any good to try to understand what that means about you. Don’t cross your own boundaries.”
What I’ve come to find is that casual relationships can be healthy and successful if everything has been laid out and all parties are in agreement. This can be hard to attain because young adults seem to struggle with feeling empowered to have that level of open communication — but it is possible.
If you’re like me and have historically prioritized maintaining a relationship over your needs, remember that casual relationship labels aren’t always negative, but accepting a relationship dynamic that you don’t want is.
