Healthy Masculinity Tips From a Personal Trainer (Satire)

By Branch Archer

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For centuries, men have been subservient to the antiquated rules of traditional masculinity. Successive generations of fathers have reinforced these cultural demands on their own sons. Compelled to follow suit, most young men blindly fall victim to illusory standards that must be met to uphold their own manhood in their father’s eyes. This generation has recognized that it is time for this devastating cycle to end. That is why I, Chad Bronson, have developed a holistic collection of tips to help YOU develop a sense of healthy masculinity.

Before we can get there, I must give an obvious disclaimer: not every man can be a real man. To put it simply, men are divided into two groups: alpha males and beta males. There are no participation medals in healthy masculinity. You only succeed or fail to be an alpha male.

The first thing you might be wondering: “How do I know if I’m an alpha male?” If you’re asking yourself that question, you can stop reading now. Please find the alpha male in your jurisdiction and report for duty.

Now that the beta males have been filtered out of this domain, we alpha males can comfortably spread our cyber-lats, grab a forty pound dumbbell, and pump our bulging veins full of healthy masculinity.

Graphic by Anysa Hernandez

Healthy masculinity is achieved by dedicating attention to the mind and body, and, naturally, we will first address the body. A real man’s body can be nothing but large. An alpha’s physical form doesn’t necessarily have to be lean, healthy, or even look good as long as there is mass and strength. A beer belly is not a sign of weakness, it is merely an occupation of more space (i.e. more territory). If anything, a beer belly proves that you (unlike the beta males) are the top of the heap at a tailgate. Do whatever you need to increase mass as long as you’re still able to perform a semi-coherent roundhouse kick to ward off predators.

This is simple enough, but what if your size isn’t enough to get what you want? In the rare event that there are larger males in your presence, prepare for the situation beforehand by asserting your dominance over woodland creatures. It’s okay if you need to use automatic guns, blinds, bait, animal calls, laboratory-developed scents, military-grade camouflage, or any other overwhelming advantage to claim your prey. Showing a picture of a fallen doe to the larger males will ward them off.

What if a swarm of beta males are distracting a potential mate with “vulnerable, meaningful” conversation? If a mate is too distracted to see that your traps touch your ears and that your massive arms rest comfortably at a 45° angle, even the overpowering aroma of your Axe body spray won’t catch her attention. In order to get her attention, you need to find her profile on Instagram (LinkedIn will work if she doesn’t have one) and direct message her without context at two in the morning with a “Sup” or “Hey, gorgeous.”

Make sure your profile is properly stocked with a handful of grainy pictures of you holding a few 20 dollar bills, a few of those fallen doe pictures from earlier, and a wide array of shirtless gym photos (make sure you add a few more 45’s on that bench press before you take a shot). She should catch on to your scent.

Since that covers all physical bases, it is time to learn about the healthy male’s mind. The most important thing to know about the mind is that the term “emotions” really just refers to a spectrum of anger. It’s never okay to cry, acknowledge the sensation of pain, or even understand that we ever evolved from a hunter-gatherer society. As healthy men we must be providers. If there is ever a problem you must shove yourself in the situation no matter how little you understand it. Plane going down? No problem, you’re a pilot. Someone having a heart attack? You’ve seen it in the movies. Never ask for help. Asking for help is akin to weakness, and weakness has no place in the psyche of the alpha male.

What if someone says you have a Napoleon complex? Turn that snapback backwards, and say thank you. Napoleon had a shit-ton of territory.

What if your therapist says you have definitely have daddy issues? Tell that beta that’s not possible since you never met your dad.

What if you experience something that makes you feel something more complex than anger? Suppress it deep inside until anger bubbles over. This anger is the true form of that emotion. Slowly ventilate that anger over the course of a lifetime, and emotionally stunt your children. This will ensure the reproduction of another generation of alpha, healthy men.

Living with healthy masculinity is simple. If you follow these guidelines, you just might maintain the rank of alpha male.