http://www.getvero.com/resources/dollar-shave-club/

No-Shave November: Early Shave Saves From Hairy Grave


By Dalton Phillips

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Irony as crisp as a frosty morn. Not three weeks after I wrote an impassioned post detailing my ascent into beardom, I find myself smooth as a baby’s bottom and still firmly in the month of November.

The 30-day quest came to an abrupt and sharp end. I envisioned myself Frodo, bearing the bearded burden up until a shave in the fire of Mount Doom. Instead I found myself the lowly Boramir, dead in the first act after falling to temptation. Memorable only for a single line, which then became a meme. But even he had a beard, and a lush one at that.

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Much like the first article predicted, the first weeks were full of optimism and life. The stubble grew quickly and evenly. As I gazed into the mirror after the first seven days, I truly felt that this was to be the year of the beard. It seemed nothing could stop me.

The itchiness began gradually, like a painter tickling my chin with his brush. A scratch here, a scratch there. Nothing major. Soon, however, an itch set in that led to me google “spotless chicken pox.” The constant rustle of long, stringy hairs was maddening. Yet I remained steadfast, determined to not let something as trivial as continual discomfort get in the way of joining the bearded ranks.

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Disaster struck during week two – disaster in the form of a mangled mess of long hairs and bare patches of skin. By day twelve I resembled little more than a tree with half of its leaves blown off. Personal discomfort was one thing, but when appearance is called into question, all bets are off.

https://twitter.com/potterworlduk/status/364851433465581568

Twitter



Teetering alarmingly close to homeless hygiene levels, I stuck with it for two more days. Coworkers and family alike provided the same encouragement one gives to a friend who is about to have a girlfriend’s name tattooed upon his chest.

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The final straw came on a Tuesday. I went through that same moment of realization which causes someone to end a year-long claymation project after the sculptures begin talking back. The moment when a lawyer throws all his cases in the air and retires to Honolulu. As I entered a classroom, students from the lecture before busily filed out. Among them, a young man sporting a beard which possessed all the magnificence of a not one but both Disney-themed resorts. Positively glowing, he glanced at my barren mess and gave a half smile. A smile that was simultaneously encouraging and more pretentious than Donald Trump’s entire family.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/jul/28/donald-trump-has-huge-lead-among-republican-women-/

washingtontimes.com



Look at them. How could anything be more pretentious than that.

Yet somehow it was. And in that moment I knew the die was cast. Fate already decided I was to never achieve a glorious facial scarf. After that very class, in which I was unable to take notes due to ceaseless scratching, I went home and took a razor to my face. Not in the psycho Joker sense where people would forever question how I got those scars, but in the defeated, crying-the-whole-time sense. Not sure which is worse.

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Giphy



After a brief 10 minutes, the culmination of three weeks of work lay in the sink beneath me. Usually when a man shaves his face, he loses two to three points on the attractiveness scale. When the beard is as bad as mine was, the opposite is true. I went from pre-Superbad Jonah Hill to Jonah post-Jump Street 2.

http://www.writtalin.com/lifestyle/awesomely-horrific-things-can-grow-face/

writtalin.com



http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/22-jump-street-trailer-jonah-hill-channing-tatum/2014/02/21/id/554072/

newsmax.com



Most importantly, I learned a valuable lesson. It’s all basically genetics, and there is nothing you can do about it.

old born this way

Good, cause I never even wanted a beard. They’re lame anyway.

Who am I kidding. Beards are so manly, the other definition of the word literally means to “confront something boldly.” And next year around November, I’ll be perusing the internet, see the glory of a beard, and get thinking.

General Accbar will try to warn me.

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Giphy



But it’ll be too late. All I can do is hope that between now and then, scientists put all that global warming and medical research nonsense aside and focus on the real issues: Providing beards to all who may want them. Until then, its a whisker-y life for me.

If you liked this, check out part one to complete the set. Also, maybe hit that share button. That’d be pretty rad.